


A Walk Through The Dust (Leave The Stones Unturned)

by Zombiegravitation



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Addiction, Comfort, Death, Execution, F/M, Faked Death, Forced Prostitution, Friends With Benefits, Hidden Relationship, Hunger Games, Love Triangles, Manipulation, Miscarriage, Mourning, Multi, Pregnancy, Psychological Torture, Sensory Deprivation, Torture, Unplanned Pregnancy, Withdrawal, hidden pregnancy, rape mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 23:54:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3188012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zombiegravitation/pseuds/Zombiegravitation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But maybe she can just pretend that she's somewhere where she belongs. That she listened to Mags when she warned her “Not to fall in love with your tributes, girl. Don’t make his mistake.”</p><p>But she never warns Johanna to not fall for the other victors.</p><p>-<br/>Excerpt:<br/>"He said they could start a real life there, where he could take a break from Annie‘s fits. Maybe he could fall in love with Johanna then, and they could run far away, maybe to Seven and start a new life deep in the woods, far away from the Capitol and memories he can't quite shake when they're right in front of him."</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Walk Through The Dust (Leave The Stones Unturned)

She holds the bundle in her arms, this small squishy thing came from her body. Outside she hears the calls of friends, all searching for her for the past few months. But they can't find her here, this is her territory.

“Johanna!” 

She’s not sure if its them or just ghosts calling out her name.

The thing squirms in her arms, it looks so much like his father, from the dark blond wisps on his head to his nose. She’s sure the baby is going to have her jaw, his face is too round for him to not have it.

Haymitch was probably waiting for her in his shabby house back in twelve, a stupid name waiting for the kid. She cradles her son to her chest and sighing as she leans against a pine tree, she doesn’t want to leave this place.

She’s not sure if she can.

_Somewhere between then and now, she realized that she could never really leave this cold, dark place. She was still haunted._

-

“Now, the time has come to select one courageous young man and woman, for the honor of representing District Seven in the 71st annual Hunger Games.” Juniper says smiling at the crowd. “As usual, ladies first.”

She makes a good show of dipping her hand and swirling it in the bowl, after a beat Juniper pulls out a piece of paper. “Johanna Mason.”

Johanna Mason was sixteen and she knows that no one will volunteer to save her. She wipes away a few tears, before she walks stiffly towards the stage. The woman in green and gold smiles at her. Johanna cries silently, furiously wiping her face. Johanna hates her, she mouthed along with the video like it was a prayer.

“It’s time to choose our male tribute!” She takes the first slip out from the boy’s raffle. She reads it aloud. “Raleigh Marks.”

A eighteen year old boy walks on stage and stands beside Johanna. She’s seen him before, she works in the same section as him.

“Welcome, Raleigh! Now, if anyone wishes to take either of their places, do speak up! Any volunteers?” She looks around looking for a hand but not really expecting any. “No? Okay, how about a round of applause for our new District Seven tributes!”

Juniper cheers, clapping excitedly but no one really goes along. It’s been years since their last victor, no one is optimistic.

“Very well, my friends. Now…”

Johanna starts tuning out the woman, instead searching out her siblings in the crowd: her dad stood still, her mom was crying clutching her younger siblings, her two brother stared in shock. The green woman nudges her, she’s looks at her for a moment. “Please shake hands with each other if you agree to these terms.”

There’s really no escape. Johanna and Raleigh shake hands. They start playing the Panem anthem as Johanna and Raleigh turn to face the audience. After a moment the Peacekeepers circle them as they are taken away. The Peacekeepers push them into separate rooms. She examines the room for a moment, and decides to sit down. Her family enters only a moment later, Johanna reaches out for Gaia and Seth. They shift into her lap, Gaia starts crying and Seth just clutches her long hair. Her father and mother sit beside them, and it’s her older brothers that join the embrace.

“Just take care of yourselves. Stay in school. okay? Isaac and Tyler will work for food and things. Mom and Ada are gonna keep all you safe.” They all nod. “I’ll try to come home whole at least.”

“Really, really try?”

“Really, really try. I swear it.”

It’s short, sweet and simple. A Peacekeeper comes through the door.

“Time is up. You need to go.”

They all huddle in for one final embrace before they get rushed out the door.

-

Her mentor is a tall man with hair like red wood who takes one look at her and says that she’s as good as dead. She’s too thin, too weak, useless. Raleigh laughs and tells Blight that he’d should focus on him instead. So he does, and she’s pretty much left to her own devices.

She doesn’t speak to anyone at the Training Center. She drifts from station to station, she separates the poisonous bugs and plants from the not, she twiddles with the knives and climbs the wall avoiding the Careers but she purposely doesn’t exceed at anything. On the third day, she turns seventeen with no family around. Only a single white rose accompanied by a note waited for her in their suite. The happy birthday is almost mocking, her life is over.

Johanna enters the room for her private session after hearing Raleigh brag about probably getting an eight. Most of the Gamemakers don’t really look at her, there’s just one looking at her intently. Dark hair and suit, the only colors he had were the gold shirt he wore and his unnerving blue eyes.

The axes are there like she asked, they’re pure metal nothing like the wood handled ones from home. She tests the weight for a second before looking at the dummies in front of her. Johanna aims carefully before throwing one. It cut straight through it’s ‘neck‘, decapitating it. The next gets buried half way through the ‘spine’ and a third stuck in its ‘ribs’. She purposely misses the last by only few inches.

She looks back at them, still its only the man staring. Johanna knows he’ll guarantee her weapon of choice will be waiting for her at the Cornucopia. At dinner, Blight stares a whole in her head as her score beats Raleigh’s six by two points. She cringes under his stare, but knows the man will keep quiet if Blight asks.

An older man reeking of booze knocked into her right before her interview. He snarls at her before going towards his tributes, a pair of weaklings from twelve.

“Just survive. Pretend if you have to.”

She takes the advice to heart. Johanna plays up the weak whimpering girl.

She’s dressed in a swath of green and sitting next to Caesar Flickerman. Caesar looks at her, “What are you most upset about, dear?”

Behind Johanna was a replay of her reaping, her cheeks burns as the Capitol citizens eat it up. Johanna’s shoulders hunched, her hands wringing the excess material of her dress, a stream of snot leaked from her nose. “I only ever wanted to be normal,” she hiccupped, “To fall in love like my parents, get married and have family. ”

There was a general murmur throughout the stadium, she feels eyes on her and upfront is the man, Seneca Crane according to the interview she watched only an hour before hers. Caesar offered her a bright green handkerchief and Johanna whispered her thanks, voice still trembling, hiccupping unevenly. Johanna cleans herself as best she could, she covers her mouth with it, hiding a smirk.

-

In her winning interview, dressed in a dark red dress, laced tight accentuating curves of her body, Caesar leers like he was in on it the whole time.

“So Johanna,” he says, eagerly leaning forward in his seat, “are you going to go home now to fall in love and get married and have children?”

The crowd roars. Johanna laughed, it didn’t fit the sweet weak girl from before, it was cruel. There was no little girl hiding behind Caesar like he was her favorite blanket, only a monster. Her mouth was a red slash that was less weak and a lot more savage.

“I did whatever I had to do to win,” she defends, “Love isn’t that important right now, all that matter is the results of the good show I put on.”

And in that moment Johanna gained a flock of admirers but none would covet her as much as Seneca Crane nor would they love her as much as Finnick Odair would.

-

“I played your games, I killed for you. Now leave me alone.” Johanna growls at Snow. He chuckles and gives her the look. The same one her stylists gave her, the same one she saw on the other Gamemakers’ faces during her private session.

Pure disgust.

“Miss Mason,” He looks like a creepy grandfather trying to offer her candy. “Did you really think you’d be left alone? You should have asked your mentor what occurs once you’ve won.”

“I didn’t expect to win.”

That same night a man name Dorian Michel buys her for the night, she nearly chokes him to death with his own tie after he tries to rape her.

Only two days later Blight tells her that her family is dead. Mauled by a bear apparently, who knew that bear claw wounds looked remarkably like gun shots.

_She thought she stopped loving then. Mags the old victor from Four warns her, “Don’t fall in love with your tributes, girl. Don’t make his mistake.”_

_But she never warns Johanna to not fall for the other victors._

-

A fucking triangle, 180 degrees of torture, that Johanna can't stand now. Three points, three people: Annie, Finnick and Johanna. Well it was less of a triangle and more of an angle. Annie loved Finnick and Finnick loved Annie but he also loved Johanna in a distorted way. Johanna fell in an uneasy way before crashing towards heartache. It didn’t help that Annie clung to her if Finnick wasn’t around.

But still it was a comfort to have that pain reminding her she was still human- still alive.

Because she knows she lets a stupid-happy look flash on her face whenever Finnick Odair brings her a flower, a glass of her favorite liquor to wash away the bitterness and kisses her sweetly on the lips when he‘s sober and both their tributes have been given a quick death. Because she knows she lets a sneer mar her beautiful face when he comes to her suite drunk, smelling like sex and looking broken. He’s still the highest in demand the only other victor that out does him is Cashmere.

And on the day of the 72nd Hunger Games, both her tributes (unlucky twins Lucia and Lukas Gilles) die in the bloodbath and she orders a bouquet of red roses, white stargazer lilies, white snapdragons and eucalyptus to be sent along with a hefty sum of money for their burial trees. One of Finnick’s is still in the running but Johanna doubts she’ll win, the arena was geared to be a puzzle this year and his girl doesn’t look very smart. She doesn’t expect him until after the girl dies.

But he comes that night; swollen mouth, smelling like sex & liquor and a bruise on his left cheek. They don’t have sex, he‘s already had his fill trying to get sponsors for his tribute. Instead they drink until Johanna’s sure he’ll pass out. But instead he crawls on top of her, trying to bury his face into her chest and starts crying.

“…Ann…Sorry...” She used to think he was talking to her but now she knows better, and she waits for _her_ name slip out and Johanna wants to have the strength to push him off. But she doesn’t instead she coddles him, brushing his hair.

She wishes she could wipe the small smile from her mouth when he drunkenly suggested they move in together, to a little cabin that's not too far away from the cottage he shares with Annie in Four’s victor village. He said they could start a real life there, where he could take a break from Annie‘s fits. He loves the girl but at the same time she feels like a burden because she’s a permanent reminder of what he did to get her out. Maybe he could fall in love with Johanna then, and they could run far away, maybe to Seven, and start a new life deep in the woods, far away from the Capitol and memories he can't quite shake when they're right in front of him.

_She had laughed and kissed him, and then cried that night in the bath tub after she woke up in bed to him moaning Annie’s name and reaching for her body._

-

Haymitch knows, of course. Of all the mentors, he's the one who has the most intimate knowledge of their relationship (not his own, obviously, but Haymitch Abernathy was never good for first-hand knowledge anyway). Mags knows too, but she'd never say anything to upset the balance they've spent time perfecting. Precious unstable Annie needs her Finnick, and Finnick has never really had a choice but to need her back, and anybody who tries to scramble for scraps of affection gets in the way and ends up empty handed & licking their bloody wounds.

_But it’s not like she had a choice, either._

-

Sometimes, when they make love, she wants to bite him until he bleeds, try to damage him as badly as he's damaging her. Her hands form claws and she grips him tight, she'll put her lips to his neck and breathe deeply as he moves inside her body, but she can't, won't do it because as much as he's hurting her, she can't stand to hurt him back.

_She wishes he wouldn't kiss her when it's over._

-

He'll pick Annie in the end. Johanna knows that. She's always known that. She reminds herself everyday when Finnick crawls out of their shared bed and kisses her gently on the forehand and runs his hand over the flat plane of Johanna's stomach before leaving to entertain.

He's made no secret of the fact that he wants to be a father someday soon.

He says that Annie wants to adopt -an older child maybe- she’s too scared of passing her instability, even though Mags and her doctor said it was impossible. Johanna wonders if he would pick her if he thought she wanted children.

_She somehow doubts it. Besides it’s not like she wants them to be held as leverage over her head like a guillotine._

_She already learned that lesson._

-

Her stylists whined about not being able to do anything until Blight finally shows up and shuts them up. Johanna has been gagging and crying, way out of the ordinary for her. Her female Avox rubs her back soothingly, glaring at the stylists. Blight speaks to her before the 74th Hunger Games in hushed tones as she cradles herself over the edge of the toilet. He knows, Mags knows, Haymitch knows, Snow definitely knows, everyone but Finnick knows, and they're all starting to worry because Johanna's been looking sicker and sicker. There's no telling what will happen, the drugs they pump in their systems made them near sterile, Johanna getting pregnant was never meant to happen. Johanna laughs bitterly and tells him not to worry, its being dealt with. Blight’s eyes flicker as she slumps down, and Johanna allows him to hold her as she cries on the cold tile floor.

Later he holds her still as they squeeze her into a [dress](http://media.style.com/image/ts/fashion-shows/fall-2013-couture/paris/zuhair-murad/collection/1366/2048/MRK_9173.1366x2048.JPG), the branches that cover her arms and chest itch like hell even over the sheer lace under it. She’s composed again, ready to lie.

-

_She goes home after Haymitch talks to her and Finnick about joining a rebellion, she passes homes on the way to the victor’s village all the saplings marking each loss victor. Strapped to her own back is another, Johanna heads toward her old home there are already six young trees growing amongst the garden. She fetches a shove from the shed, she’s not surprised everything is still there, people know they’re cursed._

_She keeps digging until she needs to use the shovel to pull herself out. She’s gentle when she places the black box at the bottom, then some dirt and the sapling right over it._

_Johanna will make sure he never finds out._

-

Johanna remembers when she craved the chance to fall in love. She remembers being eight and watching her parents, they were truly in love, it wasn‘t the artifice of Capitol films when all they showed was the falling. They weren’t perfect. They loved like humans do, when all they had left was love itself after the burn of _being in love_ has gone.

And every so often, Finnick asks Johanna to marry him. Every time he’s drunk or jealous. The last time he did it was when she owed Haymitch a favor and she started to entertain Seneca Crane. She comes back to her suite make up smeared but Seneca under her thumb, always whispering helpful suggestions in his ear along with Haymitch. Finnick was there waiting, she ignored him as she slipped from her metallic gold dress revealing bruises.

He was on her in a flash, hand bruising her wrist. “Stop doing this. Just stay with me please. Marry me, Jo.”

She doesn’t say a thing instead moving forward towards her bed. Most nights she just sighs, never giving him an answer. But not tonight.

“Marry me, Jo.” She mocks. “You know the rules.”

“They’re not your rules.”

“Doesn’t matter, it keeps us safe. And besides what about Annie?”

He looks at her as if he thought she’d always be with him even when he had Annie.

“Jo…”

“Heh.”

_She knows he loves her, but not as much as he loves that red haired woman, so she walks away before he can get another word past his pretty lips._

-

She wakes up to Peeta screaming, she groans, banging her fist against the wall. Johanna is tired and hungry, they’re barely given any food or water. She can’t deal with this. She hears the voices they use for him: Katniss, an older woman -probably his mom- and a boy’s voice, all shouting accusations and fake scenarios. She doesn’t have any voices not even Blight’s, just one constant baby wailing.

Across from her, the female avox that once served her was tortured. She made these awful animal noises until there was nothing left to give. They shaved Johanna’s head, beating her till she couldn’t breath, too busy choking on her blood.

They got stylists to clean them both up, they clean her skin till all the marks are gone and plop a blonde wig on her head. Both dressed in crisp white and they stand as poster children for the Capitol right beside Snow.

Like artificial perfection.

They’re on live doing the second promo, guards surrounding them and monitors in front of her showing the images. Very suddenly the sound jerks and monitor gets glitchy. She can barely make out Beetee’s face before it flickers again. The transmission zooms in on his face, both Johanna and Peeta stiffen as Beetee says “The Mockingjay lives.”

Almost immediately the guards grab them and start ripping their clothes off, one jerks off her wig and Johanna winces as the wig pins tear at her scalp. They’re thrown back in their cells, their unblemished uncovered skins standing out against the bleak dirty cells. The beatings start again.

When the beatings don’t work out, they drag her and throw her into another room one right across Peeta’s. There’s a water tank in one corner and a machine in the other.

They dunked her in water, pushing her down till she almost drowned... then they would drag her out still shaking and attached the clamps that sent electric shocks throughout her body. Peeta looked as she convulsed for hours on end, trying not to scream so they wouldn't be satisfied.

In the early morning, her first scream cuts through Peeta’s delusion created by his torture. Life slowly faded from her eyes. She was a tough girl, always was, but this broke her. They would try and get her to talk, but she wouldn't.

And when Johanna starts trying to snap Peeta from his torture, they knock her out and put her in a tank. She wakes up, yet she can‘t tell if she‘s awake or asleep or worse dead. She looks around, but it’s utter blackness. She can’t see anything. A jolt of fear runs through her, they blinded her, they had to.

Johanna tries to sit up but her feet never really touch the ground like she was suspended. She felt wet and her skin felt raw & burned where the shock marks and cuts were, Johanna weakly tried touching her head, her dulled touch felt the peach fuzz growing. She tried searching for an opening but felt nothing. At first she thought it was just water but it isn’t.

She couldn’t sink but no doubt she could drown if she turned the wrong way. A dull cry reached her tank and she froze. Peeta! He was right outside where ever she was. Panic set in, her heart was beating fast, her breaths were quick and shallow, for once Johanna screamed without a care. She was going to die in this hell hole.

Johanna don’t know how long she was in the tank. It could have been ten minutes or even just a day. But it felt like years.

A lifetime.

Sleep came and went or maybe it just never came. She knows she hallucinated at one point. Again and again she woke up to find herself back in Seven; back in her house leaning against her two older brothers, her little brother fighting sleep and failing, her little sister snoring between their parents while they watched The Hunger Games. Johanna saw Blight, his laughs echoing in her head as she threatened to bludgeon him with her axe. She saw Finnick again, arms out wanting to hold her.

She might’ve cried for a while. She’s not sure anymore.

Every memory ( _from her family to the games till Finnick_ ), every color ( _so much green and brown till red just bleeds into her vision_ ), every sensation of any kind replayed itself in her fevered brain, endless loops of thought and memory and dream and hope, over and over, until she couldn’t tell what had been real and what had been wishful thinking. She kept reliving her Hunger Games when she sliced through flesh and bone of kids who thought she was weak, a simpering coward. Nothing was real except being in this tank.

And maybe not even that.

Johanna talked and sang for a while, hoarsely repeating the songs from her district. Finally her voice went. In a way being in this tank was easier, she was never hungry or thirsty. Nothing hurt; nothing felt good.

So when the tank was finally cracked open and light streamed in, it seemed like the worst, most painful thing that had ever happened to her.

Johanna screamed, but the sound of her own voice was intensely loud, a stabbing pain, she quieted almost instantly. She squeezed her eyes shut against the blinding light and curled into a ball as much as she could, her motions sluggish. Large hands grabbed her and pulled her up, just their touch, after so much nothingness, freaked out her senses. She whimpered and someone laughed.

They put her on a bed and covered her with a blanket. Anything touching her was like a thousand needles piercing her skin all at once. She curled up there trying not to move for a long, long while.

Finally the pain lessened and she tried opening one eye. It was too bright, but it didn‘t burn.

“Johanna?” The hushed feminine whisper echoed out, sending chills down her spine. Johanna tensed, eyes closed. There was no fight left in her body, no longer did she know how to run, how to fight, how to live.

She wanted to be back in the tank, she craved the darkness, the silence, nothingness, the comfort.

“Johanna, how are you doing?”

‘ _Peachy_ ’, she thought hysterically. ‘ _Never better, thanks for asking._ ’

“I need to ask you some questions,” the voice whispered. “I need to know where Katniss and the other escaped victors are. I need to know what happened in the arena.”

“You know what happened in the arena,” Johanna said. Her voice was thin and gravelly. “It‘s broadcast, Juniper.”

“I don‘t get to see everything, sweetheart,” Juniper said, her voice very quiet. Juniper Sterling was her escort, she was always there even though she should have been with the tributes. Juniper was kneeling on the floor next to the cot Johanna was on. “Only what they want us to see, and I want to know how everything fell apart. We don’t know where they’re headed now or what your plan is. Just tell us, Johanna.”

“Juniper, I won’t tell. I’m afraid you’re going to have to learn to live with not knowing.”

“That’s Johanna I know,” Juniper said affectionately. “Tough till the end. Even after everything, you’re still in better shape than anyone else would be. But I have to tell you, you need to get on board with this. This order, it‘s meant for all of us to make sure we‘re safe.”

Juniper leaned closer to her. Johanna opened her eyes and looked her straight in the face that was now tinted with a blue tone, framed by white hair and her make up various other shades of blue and purple. Like a living bruise.

“Johanna, please,” she whined, losing her compassionate tone. “Please just play along. They want to kill you. They think you’re a lost cause. That you don‘t know anything.”

That wasn’t news.

“I’ll show them I’ve got, when I rip your heart out through from your chest,” Johanna snarled weakly.

“I told you it was useless!” Johanna suddenly heard a deep voice from behind her. Juniper rose and walked away not even sparing Johanna a second glance. “She doesn‘t care for this one.”

Then the light was gone again, the blanket was pulled off, and big hands picked Johanna up and dropped her back into the tank.

Being back in the isolation tank after seeing Juniper was a relief - for about two seconds. Being out the tank and being thrown back, heighten the fact she was starving and thirsty. Then Johanna started thinking about what she had said. She remembered that Haymitch’s face offering her an out of the Capitol’s control- if and only if she went along with the plan half blind with no real idea what the next step was. Johanna remembered that she was Johanna Mason, the cunning victor of 71st Hunger Games and they where just bugs ready to be squashed under her feet.

She had to think of how to get out. They had to be monitoring her somehow, this thing could only be opened by them. Johanna laid back, drifting in the void and hallucinating again - it was way hard to concentrate.

A jolt ran through her as she realized, They needed her or else she’d have been terminated right then and there. Johanna smirked.

But how could she take that away from them? There was only one way for them to lose her:

If she died…but how to be dead?

_Finnick laid in the bath, not moving not breathing. Johanna shook him, soaking herself to the bone as she desperately screamed at him, “Don’t you dare leave me in the devil’s garden by myself!”_

_He jerked, looking at her in surprise. “I’m fine, Jo. I’m fine.”_

_She let her body go limp against his and let a sob slip out. Finnick’s arms tightened their hold around her, not really understanding why she’s crying._

If she didn’t do this right, she really would die. Johanna let her breathing slow, relaxing every single muscle. She willed all her systems to slow down more and more. Her heart beat slower, and slower. Johanna felt her eyes slide closed.

Everything was still and silent.

_Somehow she always knew her grave would be watery._

It was like flicking off the light switch, she was gone.

No time, no thought, no motion.

Maybe she really was dead, she really didn’t care one way or the other.

Johanna Mason was dead to the world and nobody had noticed.

Deep in her reverie, Johanna knew she only had seconds to brace herself when they would rip open the top of the tank, letting in searing light. Staying limp was the hardest thing she had ever done.

Voices barely heard through the small crack start yelling, “What happened? Who was monitoring her? What the hell is happening?! Wait No You-”

The lid slammed shut. Johanna stayed oblivious to the world outside.

_Outside her safe cocoon, a groups of rebels had taken out a squad of Peacekeepers, trying to hurry before any more can come. They arrived in the series of cells holding many different people. In one cell there’s a pair of dead Avoxes or rather what’s left of them. In another sit’s a girl borderline dead, but they can’t worry about them now. Right now they needed Annie Cresta, Johanna Mason and Peeta Mellark. Bogg finds Annie only two cells down from the girl, her wails send chills up their spines. Mitchelle runs to the door and starts hooking up his code breaker to the lock._

_“We found him,” Sergeant Roth says. Gale and York are still running through the halls trying to find Johanna. Gale barely catches a glimpse Bogg running by, carrying a crying Annie over his shoulder. Mitchelle stops for a second, “We need to hurry, find Mason quick!”_

_They find a cell with two Peacekeepers in it yelling at each other. Just as they’re were going in, an alarm sounds off. Sergeant Roth looks at him and York, “Rendezvous at the ship, if you can’t get the Mason girl in five minutes abandon the mission and get out!”_

_Gale rushed into the cell, knocking out one and killing another. York bypasses him heading straight for the machine. “What the hell is this thing?”_

_“I don’t know just open it!”_

_York lifts the lid with ease, inside laying as limp as a leaf is Johanna Mason. Johanna looked pitiful. Her long dark hair was gone; her body now thinner than before, is bruised with purple bruises & red raised marks and her complexion is deathly pale. Her chest wasn‘t moving._

_“She’s not breathing, hurry up! Get her out!”_

_“We’re not taking a dead body with us, Hawthorne.”_

_Gale shoves her out the way, hands reaching for Johanna._

Again hands grabbed Johanna, this time they were clumsy not ready for her weight and hauled her out of there. Once again it was the most horrible, painful thing she could imagine. This time Johanna forced her eyes open, put her feet down, and screamed, everything burned or ached.

Her knees buckled under her, but she stood. She caught a brief blurry glimpse of astonished faces, and with another raspy roar Johanna charged at them shakily. If she was gonna die, it was on her own terms fighting.

“Wait no! Stop! We’re not the enemy! Johanna, stop.” A pair of voices cried out. Johanna didn’t stop only fighting harder. She heard one of them fall back with a large cry.

“I won’t tell! I’ll die before I tell!” She shrieks.

Arms encircled her body, pulling her arms to the side, a gruff voice panted in her ear. “Stop, you’re safe. We’re taking you somewhere safe.”

Johanna can faintly hear an angry mob of Peacekeepers coming from the hall, the man hoists her up and runs with his partner shooting behind them. Cold air hits her skin and she’s shuddering. The man starts strapping her in to a harness or something, her eyes flutter as she lets out little wails of pain.

"You're okay." He says, as he finished strapping her securely to the harness. "Help is here." She tries to say something, gasping for air.

“Don‘t let me sleep.” She croaks before blacking out.

_She’d do anything to break it before it breaks her._

-

Johanna wakes up panting, body sore and burning. Everything hurt. Someone laughed, and she whips her head to see Haymitch lounging in a chair. “Nice to see you’re awake, darling.”

Johanna just sneers, she looks at herself. She has tubes in her nose and arms, her skin had been scrubbed clean and wrapped in bandages. She can hear a familiar shrill cry, and it’s Annie whose in the next bed. There’s someone else around too but they‘re too far out of her sightline.

Johanna can hear the door open and she sees Katniss at the door as she’s pulling the tubes off her. Finnick rushes past, not even sparing Johanna a glance. He finds Annie, who give’s an elated shriek of “Finnick!” before they embrace almost melding and share a chaste kiss as they cling together. Johanna can’t stand even being near him right now. Instead she wobbles and stands, gripping Haymitch tightly as she asks where bread boy is.

She’s not the only one wondering, Katniss sees Gale off in the corner watching the whole thing unfold as he‘s getting treated. Boggs reluctantly tells them both where Peeta is. Johanna forces Haymitch to half carry her to next door, everything is bleak it unnervingly reminds her of the Capitol cells.

She finds him looking even more gaunt with bruises and cuts on his face. Johanna knows she probably doesn’t look any better, but unlike him Johanna didn’t need her pretty face anymore. Katniss approaches him, the doctors continue their examination and Johanna can tell just from the twitch of his hand and the look in his eyes that he’s going to lunge before he actually does it. She’s not the slightest bit surprised as he grips her neck and slams her against the wall & throwing her onto the floor.

Haymitch doesn’t help either, he’s already seen the reports. Besides he’s too busy keeping Johanna from falling. He nearly strangles her to death until Boggs knocks him out. It’s almost too late, Katniss is barely breathing already unconscious. Johanna simply sits in the chair by Peeta, his breathing the only real familiar thing around, it’s eerie that its a comfort.

Katniss is placed in Peeta’s room, it’s the only free space they claim. But she suspects they want to monitor the effects of the venom. Johanna offers to switch but is quietly shot down. The medic nearly pitches a fit seeing Johanna out bed, scolding Haymitch for not alerting her the moment Johanna woke up. The medic cries that Dr. Aurelius will be mad to find out she let Johanna out of bed and Johanna’s about to be escorted (dragged) back to the room she shares with Annie when a woman is heard over an intercom.

Johanna can hear the woman announce that they -the hostages- have been rescued and that they will soon reclaim Panem's freedom & fight back against The Capitol. She can hear the dull sound of cheers, she flashes back to her games and all those empty promises. She watches almost reluctant as Peeta is strapped to the bed, already awakening and struggling before she goes with Haymitch and her medic.

It’s another sick comfort.

Once she’s hooked back up, she takes a quick glance around. Annie’s asleep in Finnick’s arms and she doesn’t dare look up at his face. He’s happy no doubt. The medic, Healer Vidal as she calls herself, gives her morphling to make her sleep.

It was like being inside the tank again, if only just for a moment. Thankfully she doesn’t get those nasty side effects but she does wake up to find Finnick sitting on her bed. Johanna closes her and begs some higher force that he didn’t see.

Of course they don’t listen.

“Jo…”

_She doesn’t push him away when he hugs her, chanting her name over and over like a prayer. Johanna can see Annie from her bed watching with almost amusement and for a split second all Johanna can see is something mocking._

-

It takes her a while to get used to her room. It’s just as bleak and dirty as her cell, actually her cell might’ve been cleaner. All her clothes are grey and she catches herself almost missing the gaudy costumes they shoved her in. But what can she expect from an underground hovel.

It takes her a while to get used to everything. Everything has a fuckin’ schedule, there’s shower schedules, food schedules, medicine schedules. If something exists in Thirteen you can damn sure find a schedule for it.

Even the Capitol gave her more freedom and that was stretching it. She hated Coin and no doubt the woman hated her, she wasn’t the only one to voice her dissent some many people glared at her. No worries she glared back at them, laughing harshly when the flinched. They remember she’s killed with her own hands.

Back when Johanna wasn’t allowed out of the med bay yet, he came right after putting Annie to sleep. He stayed until she slept soundly which often took hours, she’d jerk awake afraid of sleep over and over until Finnick called a healer over to give her just a bit more morphling.

He’s there each time they give her meds and he’s there when they start weaning her off…he’s there when she starts taking Katniss’ morphling and doesn’t say a thing because he has no right.

Finnick’s there when she gets her room that she’s supposedly sharing with Katniss with the shabby cots, but she’s been crashing with her sister till eventually she’s never there. She barely lets him close the door before she’s slipping out the itchy clothes Thirteen has given her and just lays naked on the bed, trying to sink back into the tank that not there.

And just like everything else in this place, Finnick has a schedule. Annie and the rebellion (training, war meetings, whatever they need him for) take ninety percent of his time, Johanna is only allowed the few hours after Annie’s dead asleep. And it’s always the same.

He tries to get her to talk about what happened (she told no one but Haymitch but he’s probably told everyone by now). Then he tries to hold her, comfort her but she denies him till eventually she doesn’t.

It takes a while before she lets him touch her. And he’s gentle about it, almost worshipping her broken body and Johanna briefly wonders if he does this to Annie too before pushing that thought out of her mind. She has to be able to face Annie in the morning.

Johanna tries to be stubborn and stop whatever she and Finnick are when Annie squeezes her and laughs with joy as she says, “Finnick proposed!”

She doesn’t even hear the rest, only guilt floods her. He’s been with her when he should have been with Annie, doing what he did with Annie and should only do with Annie. He was free now so why did he still want her? Why did he still crawl into her cot, always being careful as to not break it as they rock against each other?

But she lets him in anyways because despite her annoyed shouts of “Fishboy, quit it!”, she can never deny Finnick a bit of comfort. It takes a few days and a flurry of activity; people making decorations, kids singing, food being made, and clothing picked up for the bride & groom.

The last time he comes to her room as a single man (no, never single, he was always Annie’s even when he was inside Johanna) he’s brought a thick blanket & a flask of alcohol -probably lifted from Haymitch- with him and they’re spread out on the floor, laughing and drinking till he’s underneath her as her hips rock back and forth.

_She doesn’t cry, no, not at all. She’s Johanna fucking Mason and she doesn’t cry for a boy. Especially not a boy who calls her his best friend even as he fucks her -‘No, not fucking, making love Jo.’ Her mind conjures his old words- into the mattress._

_No, not even when she watches Annie in one of Katnip’s little dresses and looking so striking & in love right next to Finnick. It doesn’t hurt her when she see all the little touches that make the wedding them._

You’d think being married would stop whatever they were, but Finnick still comes like clockwork.

One day she gets pulled from her job and get put in a room. It’s mostly empty, like ruins of a city extension never finished. Johanna briefly wonders if this is that test Haymitch warned her about, she‘s done the other parts but had to wait for her final test. She doesn’t get much time to think though.

_They weren’t suppose to be as cruel as the Capitol._

When Haymitch tells her they’re going to make a test, that it’ll deal with weakness; she thought at meant mostly physical ones, not psychological. While she wasn’t in prime form, she much better than after her initial arrival even better when she stopped the morphling.

The streets had flooded with water and her mind wants badly to shut down. Her body wants to jerk and twist in response or just flat out drop and wait for the water to carry her again. Instead she runs trying to reach one of those buildings before the water rises but she’s too late and the water swallows her. They watch, waiting. So far its going better than expected, except she’s hasn’t come up yet. For a second they’re worried they’ve drowned one of the few pawns they have left to use against both Katniss and Finnick.

But Johanna’s a survivor. She kicks her way towards a building until she finds an entrance to a higher level and slips through. She’s almost out of breath when she sees an opening and it’s a relief that damp air enters her lungs. Johanna makes her way up the building till she finds the roof top door, and she’s so relieved to see them watching her.

A large man nods his approval before the room starts draining of water. A few men come out after a while and escort her back to med bay for a full check up. The man tells her she’s part of Thirteen’s army, he reminds her of training times before leaving.

That night Finnick doesn't come to her room. She tosses and turns in the bed until her internal clock says the sun rose, and he stumbles into the room smelling like dirt and sex and old sheets and _her_.

She shouldn’t be jealous - _‘He‘s married, he‘s never fully been your‘s to begin with’_ , yet she can’t help but to feel exactly that way. She knew that they hadn’t had sex, not even on their wedding night. It finally happened yet he still slunk back to her room like it was a dirty secret. He slumps against her and she knows it’s the end because everybody loves Annie.

If Katniss starts staying in their room again, Johanna doesn’t say anything. Prim becomes a source of comfort, Johanna can see her own sister in her. When she over hears Coin talking of sending Prim out there as a nurse and talks of bombing the areas where the medics are suppose to stay; does she threaten to pull herself, Katniss and Finnick from the attack. Coin agrees to change her plans only after Johanna gets Finnick (whose surprised Johanna is looking at him let alone talking to him) to attest to it.

Its no surprise when she finds Prim sulking in her room, glaring at the both them until Johanna finally tells Mrs. Everdeen, Prim and Katniss what Coin was planning to do. Needless to say she's only slightly shocked that Katniss & Prim left a bundle of pine needles and a rare treat of honey on her bed.

It smells like home and for once it’s a comfort. She curls up, pressing her nose to it and ignores the pounding against her door.

-

Technically they weren’t suppose see real action as the Star Squad. They’d be bored, running simulations for propos and one of the Leegs dies & gets replaced by the king nut himself, Peeta.

But then so many people in the squad start dropping like flies and she needs to keep them safe.

She’s almost amused by how cocky Snow is already congratulating his peacekeepers. But she doesn’t let it show. She’d be stupid to.

Johanna strikes without abandon. Her courageous façade hiding all her fear and insecurity as she moves forward, often moving alone. She learned all the chinks in the armors, and just like practice her targets are drenched in red.

Finnick has to pull her back as they move through, running from the mutts, Johanna can’t help having a terrible feeling about all this. The smell of roses, blood, the sound screams and of mutts start to fill the tunnels and–

Snow knows.

Gale starts shouting and Katniss climbs. And that’s good, they’re the important ones not her– except Finnick is still there at her side trying to hold off beast that are tearing at their clothes, into their skin.

She screams at him to go, kicking him back and keeping him mutt free assuring him she’ll follow. She’s almost taken out by a mutt, only inches from decapitating her when she’s pulled back & up, dropping her weapons. Hurriedly she curls into a ball, her hand searching for the button on her bracelet.

Finnick barely pulls her out as a explosion takes out the rest of the beasts, shaking the ground beneath them and she has no weapons but her hands left. They’re both bleeding and crying, but at least they aren’t kissing and convincing each other to carry on. They’re barely able to stand but they carry on, taking any spare weapons they can.

They dress like clowns and make their way to safety barely hobbling. Johanna briefly wonders if Seneca’s townhouse is still abandoned, but dismisses it as a trap. Tigris is still an ugly bitch but at least she’s not a traitorous bitch- well against them at least.

She and Finnick start cleaning and bandaging each other while Katniss deals with Gale and Peeta. Cressida and Pollux make little fur nests for everyone and they just pass out against each other, everyone hoping no has a nightmare that’ll cause a scene.

-

They’re clowns again, but at least this time they look like fashionable clowns thanks to Tigris. Oh pardon her, they’re Capitol refugees, not clowns. Johanna vomits before they leave, chucking up the good meat Tigris got them. It’s the third time that week.

They walk in formation, Pollux and Cressida first, then Katniss and Gale, Finnick and Peeta and Johanna bringing up the rear. They’re ready to cause a distraction maybe even die for this to work.

Except they ruin things again.

Fucking Coin and her shitty rebels.

What was the point of all that training if it ain’t worth shit in the field.

Capitol citizens start dropping, concerned family and friends drop with them only to be trampled by a sea of color all scrambling for safety. After that its easy to take out a few peacekeepers and snatch their guns as they march towards Snow’s mansion, trying to avoid activated pods.

They lose Katniss, Gale, Cressida and Pollux in the flurry of attacks. They barely managed to stick together, their disguises falling apart but no one cares, too busy trying not to be killed by their own city. Eventually they find they’re way by the City Circle, disguises hurriedly fixed so peacekeepers can’t capture them. Finnick is horrified at what they find, kids from tots to teens are trapped within the barricade, cold and scared.

It’s a human shield. One that won’t work. Coin was willing to kill Prim, the Mockingjay’s sister, she would gladly kill a bunch of hoity toity rich kids if it meant taking him out. They cringe as rebels flood into the Circle, and a hovercraft with the Capitol’s seal appears and– Oh god. No!

Johanna grabs Finnick and runs, she barely avoids getting shot and he gets nicked in the arm. She shoves them down and away from the barricade. “They’re bombing children, Fishboy. That bitch went through with it.”

Screams and groans fill the air only moments after the silver parachutes dropped. Red snow and body parts skidded into view, Johanna can’t help the nausea that builds up. She gags violently into the ground, what's left of her breakfast is coming up for an encore.

It doesn’t stop there, their own medics start rushing in and more bombs go off. At least Katniss won’t have to worry about Prim dying here, she made sure her mom and Plutarch kept Prim away from Coin.

They’re not lucky in the slightest, they almost get caught by a mutt, it’s about to lunge at Finnick when a child trying to escape enters its path. There’s no point in disguises anymore, they show their faces to the screaming masses and fight on aiming at Capitol citizens and rebels alike.

Eventually Coin’s people get them, they’re separated as Capitol doctors put them on morphling and repair all the damage. They even accelerate her hair growth till its back to it’s original length. How fucking ridiculous! She’s not allowed to see anyone yet but she catches glimpses of Coin and the rest of her odd squad. But she hears everything, even though heavily monitors the Capitol doctors and stylist still gossip like hens.

The Capitol fell when the bombs went off, killing all those innocent children.

Snow was capture and waiting trial.

Peeta was in the burn unit.

The rebels -pardon- the new government start bringing people from Thirteen including the Mockingjay’s family and Finnick’s Annie.

Finnick was one room over but he had his Annie around.

The Mockingjay was somewhere in the hospital, monitored by Coin’s people and the few Capitol doctors they allow.

After a week she’s let go, told she has a room in Snow’s mansion but no way was she going there. Johanna walks the familiar streets till she reaches a townhouse, remarkably nearly untouched by war. The key is still where he left it for her, and inside is dusty and unused. Johanna collapses on the couch and tries not to scream.

She watches the news unimpassioned. So many propos and post war videos, she gets to see Cressida and Pollux on screen. She feels guilt for a second, she couldn’t save Castor. Some of the wreckage starts making her sick, and she throws up but then she throws up again and again even when its not on.

Something was wrong.

She’d been off morphling for a while and not even that tiny hookup should make her withdrawal. She’s either dying or–

Johanna stops that thought from forming before it has life. It just can’t be happening. They would have told her wouldn’t have they?

She scrambles for the bathroom digging through the cabinets till she finds what she needs. Its simple, just pee on it and wait four minutes.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

_Yes._

_Fuck._

_She’s ruining another life, his life, her life, the kid‘s life. He doesn’t have to know, it can be dealt with just like the other one._

_But she can’t._

-

Coin eventually sends her goons for Johanna, who take her to her stylist Tigerlily -Juniper didn’t survive the war, hell she probably never left the cells- she’s made up almost as nicely as before except she‘s in rebel uniform, before she’s shoved into a room of rebels and remaining victors. Finnick spots her and eagerly waves at her, pointing to a spot next to Annie, she looks around and finds Peeta looking a little broken and figures it’s a better spot for the wild girl from Seven.

He doesn’t say a thing, so neither does she. She ignores the hurt look on Finnick’s face, he should get used to it. They’re all waiting for the Mockingjay and for Coin.

They both arrive and it’s terrible what they’re suggesting. A final Hunger Games using brats from the Capitol in lieu of District sacrifices. Final Hunger Games her ass. It’s just go on and on till they’ve wiped out all the Capitol brat that lived during Snow’s reign.

For a second she wants to Coin dead more than she wants Snow dead.

She doesn’t look at anyone except for Enobaria as she says yes. Fair is fair is fair.

She hears both Annie and Finnick agree with Peeta’s no. It’s down to four.

Beetee says no and Lyme says yes surprisingly enough.

“I vote yes…”

“Haymitch, it’s up to you.” says Coin. Johanna knows it’ll be yes, whatever the Mockingjay votes, he’ll follow. They’re too alike.

“I’m with the Mockingjay.”

She wonders briefly if anyone notices everyone who said yes had lost someone because of the damn Capitol. There are cries of dissent and anger before the room quiets again. “Excellent, that carries the vote. Now we really must take our place for the execution.”

Katniss is whisked away for touch ups and Johanna scrambles for a bathroom unaware Haymitch has followed her.

“So he got you knocked up again.”

“How do you know?”

“Who do you think deleted the information from the system.”

She cups her hands under the sink and washes her mouth. “What do you want?”

“Don’t worry, darling. I won’t tell, really who would I tell, I’m stuck in Twelve until they lift her probation. But I would like to name the brat in exchange for my silence.”

Johanna thinks for a minute, she could beat him into silence and risk her own exile or let him name the kid. Someone knocks on the door telling them they’re needed.

“Fine.”

The rest of the victors are escort to where guards, officials and rebel leader are already in wait. They’re told to hold hands as a familiar sign of unity against the Capitol. Katniss walks in and people cheer. Its not any different from any other Hunger Games.

Snow’s dragged out and chained to a post like an animal, an easy kill, even a child could do it. The rose Katniss asked Coin to put on him is right at his heart, he cough and blood dribbles down his chin.

There’s no fear or anger, definitely no remorse only the same look of amusement he has. Katniss seems to be in a trance as she shifts the arrow up and releases.

Coin falls over the balcony, plunging toward death if she isn’t already gone. And Johanna laughs along with Snow, for once they’re sharing a twisted joke. The gurgling cackle ends with red foam and he chokes as Johanna still laughs. She breaks away from the victors as guards block him from sight, her hands twitching as she nears him.

“Good night.” Is softly whispered as Johanna watches with unabashed glee as he chokes on his blood, Johanna doesn’t even have to touch him and he chokes and foams till he’s nothing but an empty carcass.

She gets dragged off stage, everything is still in a frenzy so she stays laughing until her voice is sore and tears streamed down her face. It takes her a while to realize Annie and Finnick are there watching her break. That’s all it takes for her to snap out of it and find bread boy.

It only takes days, they lock up Katniss and elect a new President, one not as blood thirsty as Snow & Coin. And after Katniss’ trial they’re all sent home, and expected to come when they call, especially for the war’s first memorial ball on its anniversary.

As she walks for the trains she over hears Plutarch tell Katniss, “Now we’re in that sweet period where everyone agrees that our recent horrors should never be repeated. But collective thinking is usually short lived. We’re fickle, stupid beings with poor memories and a great gift for self-destruction. Although who knows? Maybe this will be it, Katniss.”

Johanna can’t help but agree to the last statement. She’s punishing herself- in her own little self destructive way- by joining Prim, her mother, Annie and Finnick for a few months to make sure he gets that happy life he wants as her belly swells with their child.

_Just like Annie’s will._

Its not easy hiding her pregnancy, unlike Annie, Johanna’s been blessed with morning sickness at random times of the day. It’s impossible to hide, so she lies and says she’s going through withdrawal.

She talks to Prim and convinces her to give her a few bottles of pre-natal pills and stuffs them in her pillow. She chews on mint leaves and sour fruit to ease it. But one of Finnick’s sister, Amphitrite catches her puking into her trash, she takes one look at her and she knows.

“How long?”

“Four months almost five.”

“So all that weight you’ve been gaining is actually the baby bump?”

“Yes.” She manages to croak out between another retching. Amphitrite holds her hair back and rubs Johanna’s back. “Before you ask, it’s your brother’s. And no he doesn’t know.”

“Good, he‘s married. I assume you won’t tell him. So I’ll help you hide it, you can move in with me and my husband until you’re ready to leave.”

“Thanks.”

Finnick puts up a fight of course.

He doesn’t want Johanna to leave, even though he and Annie are so focused on each other they barely notice anyone else. But she goes anyways, lying through her teeth that she’ll visit.

The bump is getting too noticeable.

_Johanna’s always hated change._

Amphitrite and her husband Theta take care of her till her seventh month. Finnick’s mother wants a real Four wedding to be held. Johanna wraps herself in swaths of fabric hiding the swell of her belly. Annie’s green dress hugs her every curve and focuses attention on her own bump.

They sent cameras of course, a moment of hope in Four. She’s forced to smile and pretend when really all she wants to do it run.

In a moment of privacy, Finnick asks Johanna if she wants to stay here, find happiness with him and Annie. He can help her build a home, and recover from her torture. Johanna stays quiet for a moment, then laughs and Finnick’s brought back to the day Snow died. It’s such a harsh cruel laugh, and he feels ashamed that he makes it sound so simple & easy.

Nothings ever easy for her.

Sometimes she forgets she’s not in the tank anymore. That this water won’t hold her like the other did, this water just brought the pain and shock. But Amphitrite is the one to scrubs her clean as she shrieks, she dries her like she’s a child even though the roundness of her stomach say otherwise.

Seven is her home, she can’t be any farther from her forest just like she can’t keep him from the ocean. But she doesn’t say no, instead she makes up some stupid joke about liking the weather here, and he laughs and kisses her on the temple.

She doesn’t say a thing as she watches him go past the crowd to Annie. She can’t admit her lies that are tattooed to her skin, there‘s only two people that know her full secret and they won‘t tell. Annie is beautiful with her white veil and sea green dress. Finnick looks at her with such adoration, Johanna’s heart ached. She can’t watch him like this, not anymore.

Johanna turns away, striding past his home being careful of water and heads for the trains. It’s not hard to find one that’s heading towards Seven. People stare at her, because of who she is, what she’s wearing and where she’s coming from.

With the image of Annie in her wedding dress smiling at Finnick burned into her brain and a flutter in her belly reminding her she’s not alone, Johanna disappears into Seven‘s forest.

_She wonders if this is what dying feels like._

**Author's Note:**

> Started this months ago, stopped halfway & started again and it just went in a different direction than I had planned. I ended up rewriting Mockingjay and bring back three people. The sensory deprivation scene was heavily inspired by Maximum Ride School's Out- Forever where Max is in that same situation in the final chapters, I tried to write it for Johanna.  
> Already planning a sort of sequel for this but I can't decide whether or not Finnick should know.


End file.
